If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
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If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
*puts my mental health in rice