If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?

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[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*


“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that


I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.


One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.


[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]


YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?


I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.