[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If you haven’t nervously googled “signs that your child is a psychopath” are you even a parent?
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“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Mullet For My Valentine
I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.
*Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”