If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My plans: 2020:
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub