If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.

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Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore


”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.


“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth


Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.


Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”

Me. “Yep”

Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”

Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”


English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather


CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*


[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son


Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.