its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?