@WickedDarkEyes

If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.

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@TheCensoredRock

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@garrettbarry70

Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”

Me. “Yep”

Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”

Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”

@AmberTozer

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

@DurtMcHurtt

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

@murrman5

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

@DeadLioness

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.