If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh