If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
HOW DARE YOU
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.