If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
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If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.