If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango