If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.


The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.


My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”


WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again


Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”


Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.


“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers


My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is


I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”


Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”

One day her picture will be on money.