If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big