If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
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Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.