If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
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That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.