if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
i dont have time for this
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
(Gaming support cat.)