If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.