If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.