If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Children of the corn 🌽
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Never ghost your hitman.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.