if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot

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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.


Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.


ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best


if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas


I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”


I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.


First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*


I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.