@MikeCanRant

if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot

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@PaperWash

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

@ZackBornstein

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late

@TrueTorontoGirl

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

@uMakeMeBad

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

@Tups13

There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.

@WritePlay

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

@Liam26x

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks