if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot

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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you


Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.


I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.


[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late


My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.


At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.


There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.


T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING


I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.


Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks