If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
You Might Also Like
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!