If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

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I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.


[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.


Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?


M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you


Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever


Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.



*hairstylist holds mirror behind my head after styling my hair*
“Is that ok for you sir?”
“Yes that is a beautiful mirror. I’ll take it”


Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.