Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
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I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.
“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.
That’s it. That’s the joke.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.