@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

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@Muggernaught

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”

@Jn1fer

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

@envydatropic

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

@Dawn_M_

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

@3sunzzz

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

@haleysfalling

I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

@trevso_electric

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.