If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.

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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.


I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.


Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.


I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.


Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.


If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.


Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!


I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.


Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.


I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.