I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Mom: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me: Of course…we have free healthcare.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“If I write something completely creepy under a girl’s Facebook photo, maybe it WON’T be creepy if I end it with ‘lol.'”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.