@CandyEmpires

If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.

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@GenevieveKoski

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@Stap_Jr

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

@SheeeRatchet

Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.

@LackOfShame

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

@mejustbeth

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

@HenpeckedHal

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

@batkaren

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

@hardasamother

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.