@Bob_Janke

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

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@JessicaVarsity

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@Erinfosec

Good morning to everyone especially this person dragging McDonalds’ coffee for a hilariously wrong reason.

@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

@realbjdunne

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

@JasonLastname

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

@gm_cage

My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

He’s ready for Twitter.

@audri_em

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

@astralbr4t

the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am

@mars___bars

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class