@JessicaVarsity
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
@Bob_Janke
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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@JessicaVarsity
@Erinfosec
Good morning to everyone especially this person dragging McDonalds’ coffee for a hilariously wrong reason.
@WhoTheHeckIsMeg
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
@realbjdunne
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
@JasonLastname
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
@gm_cage
My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
He’s ready for Twitter.
@audri_em
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
@astralbr4t
the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am
@mommajessiec
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
@mars___bars
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class