If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
FRED: right