If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

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Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.


Good morning to everyone especially this person dragging McDonalds’ coffee for a hilariously wrong reason.


[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????


[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here


Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.


My 8 yr old son just told me Nutella is a delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

He’s ready for Twitter.


Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.


the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am


a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class