A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Natural selection at its finest
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.