@theshamingofjay

If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters

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@JediGigi

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

@juliussharpe

At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@jazz_inmypants

[job interview at Sears]

MANAGER: why do you want to work here?

ME: because I need a jo-

MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?

ME: …i don’t :/

MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we

@Heather2Go

I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.

@stiggib3

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

@stuckinaportal

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes