Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Van Gone
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
This is so me 😂😂
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.