If you’re not part of the solution, you must be management.
If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It’s called acid reflux.
ME AT 15: Yay, my friends are sleeping over!
ME AT 25: Gonna go out for drinks and have my friends crash at my place
ME AT 35: If you’re in my home for more than 15min I’ll call the police
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
me: WHAT IF
me: what if everyone else is underthinking