If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

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wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese


You know that warm feeling you get when you look at your spouse? It’s called acid reflux.


ME AT 15: Yay, my friends are sleeping over!

ME AT 25: Gonna go out for drinks and have my friends crash at my place

ME AT 35: If you’re in my home for more than 15min I’ll call the police


*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*


Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.


When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in


Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.


Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.


therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t



me: what if everyone else is underthinking