My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
date: i am an old-fashioned lady
[to impress her]
me: *striking stones furiously to light a cigarette*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
ME: Stop hemming and hawing
DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.