if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better