If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.