If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Need this in my life lol
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me buying fruit and veg
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
All generalizations are stupid.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.