IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
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Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!