@LurkAtHomeMom

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

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@BillMc7

Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

@davidschneider

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

@ddsmidt

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

@Diversion50

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

@iGreenGod

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

@LeahsLounge

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@BuckyIsotope

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

@Laser_Cat

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

@_Kim_Jongun

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.