If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
describing stardew valley
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore