If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

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EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}


*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it


Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier.

*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.



Victorian Era YouTube comments


Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.


I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.


I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.


Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.


Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.


Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.