If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything