@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.

You Might Also Like

@Eminem

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

@FeverFlave

[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

@ch000ch

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

@venomjunkie2

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

@bobvulfov

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

@stardazingxo

mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again

@TheAlexNevil

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

@OBiiieeee

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*