REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
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My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
mercury is no longer retrograde so you can relax now, your problems are your own fault again
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*