I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“I’ve never smelled marijuana so I don’t know if that’s what you think you smell in my room” and other lies I tell my mother.
I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”