@joeldanger

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

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@HomeWithPeanut

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@ProdigyNelson

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

@o__0Dev

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

@Cheeseboy22

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

@michelleDbelle

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

@Freak0nIine

“I’ve never smelled marijuana so I don’t know if that’s what you think you smell in my room” and other lies I tell my mother.

@ryaninco

I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed.

@Flykins

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”