@DothTheDoth

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

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@sophielou

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

@piddle_fart

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

@sweetmomissa

Last night out at dinner my daughter ordered a salad… I likely would have too had I not passed out from shock.

@PaperWash

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”Mikecanrant”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3779625598/ad268c029bb34c06cdfd3a299f8b7cf6_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347125599673937920″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”290″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Dating progression

Me at 16: She’s ugly.

Me at 21: She’s alright.

Me at 30: I’d hit that.

Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Darlainky

Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

@dankmccoy

Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.

@thenatewolf

Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.

@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

@liltiddygothgf3

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for