If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.