@amyisforawesome: If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
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@P_o_n_k: BRUNO MARS: I'd catch a grenade for ya ME: Thanks, but I'd probably still die. BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya ME: Again...
@sofarrsogud: WHAT I SAID: Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth. WHAT I SHOULD'VE SAID: Good Morning Honey.
@ElKnuckelhombre: [date shouting over music on the dance floor]: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS? Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!