PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.