If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
what does he know…
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.