If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
SPLOOT
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…