If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.