If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
You Might Also Like
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much