[before axes were invented]
Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-
Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.