@_Tempo11

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

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@noodlegrip

[before axes were invented]

Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise

@dorsalstream

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

@TommyWallace

Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but-

Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what

@sucittaM

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

@MaybePileJokes

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

@NerishaLakha

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

@okaypup

I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”

@iAmDelFreaky

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.