COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
You Might Also Like
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.