@EndhooS

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

- @EndhooS

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@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

@BMCarbaugh

At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread

@WilliamAder

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

@platinum2000

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault

@ch000ch

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong