Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
A choir of Spring onions
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.