I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: