Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go