If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
12. I think about this all the damn time
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.