@GamerPres2020

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

- @GamerPres2020

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@hannahkimberlee

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

@RidiculousSheri

I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he’s in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

@cloudypianos

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

@robfee

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@maughammom

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

@MomofTeen

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

@LosLos__

And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.

But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.

@thatUPSdude

Me: This infomercial is so stupid.

*10 mins later*

Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?