If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
You Might Also Like
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The happy life.. 😊
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
What the hell happened here.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes