If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
first you must answer his riddles
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.