If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.