If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Match dot com, but for socks.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Weighing up my bread heating options
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.